Angeldust2008's Weblog

“I Don’t Want You…”

angeldust2008 — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 01:42:03 +0000

Get out of my head
Yeah that’s what I said
Just leave me alone, cause I don’t want this
I don’t want you
Get away from my heart
All you can do is rip it apart
And I’ve had enough of this shit
I don’t want you, why can’t you see…?
But every time you look at me, I die inside
Every time you smile that smile, I come unglued
What am I supposed to do?
You’ve got you’re life, cut out in paper doll fashion
I’m just tied around your finger like a ribbon
You know just who you are and what you want
You’re not searching for anything you don’t already have
And here I am the picture of disarray
There’s no reason for these misguided emotions
No reason for you to stay
So just do me a big favor and go away!
Talk to someone else today
Cause I don’t want you
I don’t need you
All you do is make me cry
All you do is make me laugh
All you do is drive me crazy, and take my breath away
Save my soul even as you run a dagger through my heart
And I can’t take this anymore
You belong to someone else
And you’re probably lying in her loving arms tonight
While I write these foolish little lines
She kisses your lips, and holds you tight
Yeah it bugs the hell out of me
But you don’t need to know that anyway
So please just stay away
I hate your guts!
I love you like the Devil
Damn this, Damn you,
That’s all I know to say
Get out of my head
Get away from my heart
I don’t need any of this
And I don’t want you!
But, then again yes I do…

I’m writing a book, please comment and let me know if you think I should add this to it.

Bed Post

angeldust2008 — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 19:33:13 +0000

You’re lying there just gazing at me
Eyes half open, half hazed
The dark shadows dancing with moon beams
Across the wall, the ceiling, and your face
There’s nothing to say between us
We both know what we want
And what the end will bring
There’s no point in pretending things could ever be the same
But we’ve come to far, and you look too good
I can’t turn back now
I don’t love you, but I like your smile
Let’s not think anymore
I want to tie you to a bed post
Kiss you till we’re both drunk
Drive you to the point of no return, because I can
This is the one time,
The only time things will ever be this way
And this is wrong
Oh so wrong
But please stay, somehow we’ll make it be ok
The night is young
I’m bored to death
Lay back, relax, pretend you belong to me
I want to tie you to the bed post tonight

‘Hell’s’ Merry Go Round

angeldust2008 — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 23:50:43 +0000

Around, and around we go
This is a merry go round we’re riding on
And I’m just a fool cause I didn’t get off when I first got on
It’s just another dead road
Leading back to where I started from
Why do I always love someone who can’t love in return?
Why can’t I ever learn?
I think my heart needs a lobotomy or maybe amputation do the trick nicely
Because I’m sick of all this insanity
Dancing around the fire
When I get burned I cry
And yet all I can say is it’s all my own fault
Why do you have to be such a weakness to me
I can’t resist the urge to touch you
To love you
I don’t want to want you, but I do
It’s as if I have a fascination with pain
And a love for tragedy
Cause that’s all this can turn out to be
A train wreck
Or worse the death of me
Around and around we go
Where this ride stops, I don’t want to know!

‘Autumn’

angeldust2008 — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:56:07 +0000

Autumn’s icy fingers keep whispering to my heart
I don’t know why I’m longing for fall’s return
It’s summertime, hot and heady, full of promise
And sweet laughter of children as they play
Yet I look for the crisp October breath to kiss my face
The yellow leaves blanketing the ground, like a golden robe
Pumpkins, haystacks, sitting around town in happy rows
Sunsets blazing a cold blue sky into the abyss of deep black nights
Autumn in all its peacefulness and color
Friends who grow closer still beside a blazing fire
Love that burns stronger all snuggled up in a quilt
It seems my fondest memories were lived beneath the barren trees
All the while winter awaits just around the corner
But still my reminiscing mind wonders through the glorified years of youth
Yes Autumn, sweet and true you were always kind to me in your own ways
Maybe that’s why I wish for your return more and more each day…

Loves Binding Storm

angeldust2008 — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:02:56 +0000

Love like the rain fall on me
Set this heart inside me free
I am but a vessel out at sea
At the mercy of your tempestuous storm
Rock me with your gusty winds
But as a mother rocks the cradle of her baby
Set my sails afloat again
Love, sweet, wild, and untamable love
I have built no foundation on your willing shores
For beneath your hungry eyes I fell I have met you before
And in that past time place,
Love was a battle fought in fiery blows
Yes, I have known of you before
Your smile is not an open door I wish to amble through
Your like a prison gate
But I’ll wear no chains for you!
Give me open space so as to spread my wings
Let me have my wayward grace
And I will be your friend
Tolerate my ramblings nature
As well my foolish pride
This my love per chance buys a heart as fair and fond as mine

Angel Dust

Sweet Rapturous “Reminder”

angeldust2008 — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 23:33:53 +0000

It was cold, you gave me your coat
Like a blanket against the evening chill
Our hands brushed, our eyes met
But all to quickly the night had to end
There were other people in the world
The whole universe was still spinning round
Bit it could have been just you and me there
Because that moment, you were all I wanted to see.
Time flew by as if it had wings
Days passed so quickly away into the unseen
Taking me from the magic
The wonder of that beautiful moment in time that we shared together
But the feelings still remain alive inside of me
A reminder every time I see your face
That for a second you were mine
We shared the air around us
We shared the moon above
The Earth below
Every sight, sound, and second of that small eternity in time
For me it was monumental
It was surreal and magical
It was the answer to a dreamer’s prayer
The fantasy of a star gazing and hopelessly romantic heart
I remember the smile you wore so sweet and warm
Walking beside you, laughing into the wind
Saying your name
Thinking I adore you
Calling you my friend…

‘Shadow of Grace’

angeldust2008 — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 01:28:15 +0000

Thinking of you, pushes dark clouds away
If only for a moment I wish you would stay
Stay close by my side
Like a long lost friend that’s been found
Or closer still, like my own skin
Lend me half of your strength to carry me through this day
For I’m weak, and the world is a heavy weight to bare
Yet beneath your shimmering wings I can stand firm
Planted like a tree with my roots stretching all the way to the sea
But, it was you that first tossed out the seed
From that so much began to grow
Yet more then you’ll never know
You have a smile that puts the sun back into the sky
It could light up the darkest and coldest of nights
So if I love you, forgive me for my sin of flesh and heart
Please say its all right as long as I never speak it aloud
No one will hear mercy
For it is only tears shed inside that drowned me
On my face the mask is on so tight
Even your eyes cannot see through it
To find the heart that weeps for you
I will love you in silence for all my days
And let that silence complete the part of me
That feels so safe just to find refuge in your shadow of grace

Sunshine

angeldust2008 — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 04:21:01 +0000

Sunshine where are you when the dark can’t find his way?
Where is the path you blazed?
My heart lies in a snare
Only you can break the chain
Whispering all around me
Things I cannot hear
I do not see glare at me
I’m looking, looking for you
Looking for me and my lost soul
Are you there sunshine
Just through the veil cloud and rain
Shine you’re light like a beacon
Cast you’re spell
I’m reaching out
Reaching up
Kiss my face with you’re warmth
Sunshine
Oceans eyes so vivid, so bright
Like the frothy turquoise deep
I love you when you smile at me
My illusion
Bitter sweet…

Sustain Me

angeldust2008 — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 04:19:02 +0000

I love you
Not in the dark of night
Or the lighted day
Nor in voiced endearments does my heart itself give way
For love, such love is forbidden
And you stand for to high above my little dreams
But when you smile it undoes me
And in laughter my hearts treasure is found
Buried just beneath your silver shadow
So I can put you on dustless pedestal
Where you’re free to shine
And I can see the beauty of the world you
See deep inside your dreamy eyes
You’re visions sustain my broken heart
You never let me down, nor do you hurt me
Only feel my mind with sweet thoughts of spring time
Youth, and flower and days gone past
In cinnamon fields
Beneath patchwork sky’s
That is where I find you
And my soul clings to the sweet release
The peace you plant inside of me like roses blooming
And you’re rain nourishes my withered soul
As the drought fades away

’’’…LOVING ME…’’

angeldust2008 — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 22:40:27 +0000

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about life, love, who I am, and the person I wish to be. All my life I’ve been told to be a good girl. To believe in one God, and in one way. That marriage is sacred between a man and woman. That it’s by strict rules that you must live so you’ll never fall from grace.

It is said the world is black and white, there is no middle ground, no rainbow up ahead. With idle hands does the Devil do his works. Up until now I never thought of any other way.Here lately things have changed, I’ve broken the chains. I don’t know how much longer I can hide what’s been blooming inside me. I’m not the person everyone thought that I should be. I’m not Cinderella waiting for prince charming to come rescue me. I’m not helpless or brain dead and I wont bow down to any man or woman not even my momma.

I don’t live to meet societies standards no matter what the hell they are. I live in the color of light and I’m not trying to change anyone else, I just want to find myself. I’m not a Christian, I can’t believe there’s only one way to heaven. Maybe there is no heaven, how can anyone truly know. I have questions, and I look for their answers. I’ll seek them till I know what the truth is no matter what that may be.

I don’t believe the answers are in the bible, where everyone said it would be, I just can’t believe. As for love, sex, and relationships I should admit I find both men and women attractive. I don’t see anything wrong with how I feel. Men in makeup and high heels turn me on. The first time I ever saw a drag queen I got so horny I thought I would die, I was 16 years old at the time. There’s so much I want to experience ,so much more to life I want to feel every thing , and not have to hide in a closet locked up inside my own mind. I think its ok to love more then one person at a time. Why cant we feel whatever we feel . Why should we lock our hearts away like we’re committing some crime. Who’s to say were wrong . Or how high we can fly.My family wouldn’t agree , but that doesn’t change how I feel . How can a person be asked to draw line’s across their heart, to be someone different then who they are. And if my family cant accept who I am then they never loved me any way. The way I see it if I’m honest with myself then my life has truly began. And I’m reborn a new creation. Maybe a happier one…

I have to believe life is what you make it and therefore can only be what you want it to be in the end. So I have to make it right for me now. I dictate my own destiny. It’s not some preordained thing like I was thought to believe. And I’m cutting the apron string’s. I’m setting myself free. My Mother gave me life, but she abandoned me at the age of fifteen, now she’s in and out of my world I never know when I’ll see her face. If she read this poem she’d say she’s disowning me any way. But I’ve cried to many tear’s for her. Spent year’s Trying to be perfect so she’d love me so she’d know I was alive. And now I’m twenty six year’s old, and I’ve had enough of hiding who I am. And of living in fear of rejection .
I’ve got enough love in my life now that I don’t care if she love’s me any more or not. I hope to teach my Daughter’s that there’s more then one little winding road. The world is a big place and they can be happy if they choose to be… I choose to be. And maybe for the first time I might even look past all my many flaw’s and fall in love with me.